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Letters From Sunniva

by Anthony Lee Phillips

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1.
Curtain Call 03:52
There’s a new home for me just outside That door; look how it swings its way open Take your time; I’ve got the rest of my life And I’m willing to take things as I go Just as I go Just as I go There’s a new song on the tip of my lips It’s begging to be sung, but the words don’t seem to come The curtain starts to close on the scene as it dies away Our love didn’t even last until the curtain call But I’ll let life take you As you let life… Go What are your thoughts on romance and loneliness? What are your thoughts on how I’ve been? Did you forget about me yesteryear?
I forgave you; is this the other side of ignorance? I’m sorry for the questions Well, I’m not so sorry after all Here we go Yeah, here I go…
2.
She stands upon the sand that’s soft against her toes The sunset bathing her in twilight And as she hugs herself, her memory returns and chills her skin And she says “I wish we could stay this way forever, twirling and dancing with the ocean Why can’t we just stay this way forever?” The waves (like arms or blankets, tight against her skin) Envelope her with crashing sighs And she dances on and wades into the sea The waves come down and drown her I wish we could stay this way forever, twirling and dancing with the ocean Why can’t we just stay this way forever? As they waltz suspended They cry into the night without a hint of sorrow
3.
Our Morning 03:27
Our morning smells of friction, of skin verses skin Our lovely days ran from us, I chased them away No doubt someday we will have a chance, but not right now For now, we separate and let each other grow Our morning smells of passion, lovely and expired Our drifting days ran by, how far have they run?
I feel this silence drifting; it’s tearing us apart And I can’t help but feel that it’s friendship that we have lost Our charity is not about to pay us back I think it’s everything we’ve lost that holds us back Our morning smells of good intent and living love Of crimson stains on bed sheets, wet and left corrupt Can you tell me that it’s me you’ve lost when I’m the one you’ve hidden from? I have mistakes of my own, but I’m still yours Clinging to the pieces of a shattered heart I feel like the pressure I have placed still holds us back I hold us back
4.
Jesus has said to me “Turn the other cheek” Not this time; I’m walking away Your face and my dreams (once one and the same) Have now parted to dreams and daily nightmares You were my… Always my favorite I can’t believe it had to end this way I can’t simply look the other way and leave you behind Like I’m going to Sometimes I wonder, when sobriety comes Who’s gonna save you from what you are? There’s nothing left of you beneath the skin Only desperation knows your name You were my… Always my favorite I can’t believe it had to end this way I can’t wait for you to see what we’ve lost (look at what we’ve lost) Open your eyes Dearest mistake of mine You let all the light reflect away from, but never through you Now you’ve let us wither away, I am Bent to sprout from this shit that you feed me, I’m reaching up towards the Sun… You were my… Always my… I can’t believe it had to end… I can’t, baby, I can’t take this anymore, I’m saying goodbye Goodbye
5.
When you said “I’m sorry,” I tried not to listen When you said that you really weren’t happy, my world broke Hold on for just second while I take some time to bathe within your eyes If I could have one last kiss, it would mean the world to me Your smile is the light to my world Please make the darkness go away I love everything about you I love the way you kissed my lips But now your kiss is gone I’m sorry that I pressed too hard against your patience When I tried not to listen, I processed every word you said Hold on before you leave me, please just share one last breath before you go For the last time, beautiful and cautious and pale in the lack of Sunshine Your smile was the light to my world You left the darkness to kill the light I love you I loved everything about you I loved the way you kissed my lips Before our fall from grace When I said “I love you,” did you take me for a liar? Sometimes I wish that I was, but I’m not, and I do
6.
Welcome back to Planet Earth Long time, no see I want to know how you feel Has Vicodin cured your problems since All Hallow’s Eve? When did you stand in for the girl I loved? “Love” is in the past tense …“Sex” is in the past tense Truth be told, I don’t know how to tell the truth quite recently Stop and stare at what I’ve become: An actor; a liar; an actor who knows his craft I live a lie…let me live this lie This night is a haven of apology So says my dreaming, thrashing, aching, paranoid consciousness Has reality awoken? Its dreams have been disturbing us since before the month of August passed Yesteryear was a painful one that left my confidence crawling towards the horizon Staggered and unstitched Truth be told, I don’t know how to tell the truth quite recently Stop and stare and raindrops from the crying sky They bear bad news and a fresh new dawn within the coming hours of morning light To end a season of night This night is a crash course on reality My lips are bleeding the sweet nectar of hypocrisy Have I really been sleeping since the summer stopped? Welcome back to the Circus Factory Your clown is not waiting here for you (anymore) I’m not sitting at the GEE-TAR stand with the assumption that all will be fine Even when May ends This blue ink has finally dried, but the page has been ripped into pieces This pink heart is growing back from the ashes
7.
You were the finest specimen Holding us together like glue You were the Sun You brightened our smiles I guess it just was not your time Sunniva… Do you feel the bitterness surrounding these echoes? Do you feel that I am my father’s son? Do you take remorse in what you could have been? Do you take remorse that she is her mother’s child? This place brings forth these memories of you And our Sun is setting We held so close, yet didn’t seem to last Righteous vengeance, I suppose Sunniva… I’m sorry… I am How high do you soar above these broken hearts? Broken souls? Broken wings? Are you falling? Do you feel that I am my father’s son? I am my father’s son You are ever present in my mind, watching over me As I failed to do for you
8.
Today, you can talk to all your friends About the horror of my hair when it’s been cut short Today, you can surely find it in yourself to at least insult me Sometimes, I still exist Sometimes, I can hear who I used to be Talking to who you were Sometimes… Sometimes, I can feel you when you’re gone I can hear you in my head You’re never far Today, you can flaunt it in my face that I am flawed and broken Groveling again Today, you can surely find yourself at the bottom of this well Waiting for me to ask you if you love me still Can you hear who you used to be, Talking to who I was? Do you? Do you… Can you feel me when I’m gone? Do I echo in your head? Am I often far? Baby, that’s too bad Can you hear who you used to be, Talking to who I was? Do you? Do you… Can you feel me when I’m gone? Do I echo in your head? Am I often far? Are you moving on?
9.
Happiness 04:39
I never thought I’d forgive the past that follows me I never even imagined I’d forget the beauty of the blanket that tucks the moon in I know the notes in my soul, I just haven’t heard the words Resolution O, dearest Resolution, you have cured my broken heartbeat I am at peace Back in the back of my mind, I stare at this glowing alphabet And I see the brightest of smiles I never thought I’d forgive the demons chasing me At my fingertips I can taste the dawn that’s coming soon No longer am I the pawn that looks past the truth I can feel the breeze Though biting, it relieves the hottest of Suns and sweat stains Though unborn, the Sun remains a light to shine and brighten the weary road Pictures of the past are forgotten and taken away to the fire’s embrace Does it seem as bright as it feels? I never thought I’d forgive myself so easily The moon is falling, and I feel the dawn approaching slowly Slowly—O, so slow! So this is what butterflies do for a living And this is how Happiness makes me feel This is how my heart stops when you’re here with me And this is how the Sun hides when you’re not around
10.
Headphones 03:48
11.
Dear Sunniva, Can you hear me? This letter is for you. I didn’t really “live through.” My only regret is that fatherhood was the bane of all I wanted to last, of all that I once loved… But you live on in my heart. So tell me, darling, do you know that I love you? I’ll always love you. I wish I… God, I wish I could say something more. There’s a return address scribbled on this heart… Do I mistake you for God? Are you the light that has guided me this far? Are you the Sun, hidden behind these rainy afternoon skies? Are you the Sun, hidden behind the Seattle Sunday that my days have been trying to impersonate? Write back soon. Love, Daddy

credits

released September 12, 2011

Music by Anthony Lee Phillips with Wyattq Blue, Caya Berndt, Amelia Ingle, Jacob Henthorn and James Bertis. Produced by Anthony Lee Phillips, James Bertis, and Wyattq Blue. Mastering by Raymond Helton. Artwork by Caya Berndt

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